


it's like having a nightmare

by gingerbread man (xphantomhive)



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Depression, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, mature because the content is just?? kinda heavy???
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-29
Updated: 2016-05-29
Packaged: 2018-07-11 01:18:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,895
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7019401
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xphantomhive/pseuds/gingerbread%20man
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>that you can't wake up from.</p>
            </blockquote>





	it's like having a nightmare

**Author's Note:**

  * For [halcyonwhispers](https://archiveofourown.org/users/halcyonwhispers/gifts), [gayriot](https://archiveofourown.org/users/gayriot/gifts), [puppiecat](https://archiveofourown.org/users/puppiecat/gifts).



> VocaloidSWEETIE: thank you for all of your kind words and support! i'm quite sure you've been reading my fanfiction since i began, and that's more than a year, and i commend you for that. thank you so much for sticking to my writing, i really, really appreciate it. i really do. thank you so, so much. oh, and thank you for all of your kindness! you are very nice. also, thank you for the katnep fic you wrote me! that reminds me that you don't only read my johndave, but my katnep, and that's absolutely wonderful. also, i think you like south park? so good on you. south park is great.
> 
> gayriot: you kudos pretty much everything i write. don't think i don't look at the people who kudos my things. your writing is pretty good itself, so i couldn't see why you like my stuff, but hey. i see your silent support. i want you to know that, even if you don't comment on my things, i am immensely thankful for you. i'm working on thanking all of my supporters one by one with oneshots.
> 
> egbertpunch: you have never once commented on anything i've written. that doesn't mean i haven't noticed the fact that you kudos pretty much everything i write. i do notice when someone does that. it spells out to me that they enjoy everything i write, and they don't have to comment for me to know how much they're giving me support. you really, really support me, and i am really, really thankful for that.
> 
> if you haven't been thanked yet, please wait! i notice everyone who give me kudos on almost everything i write, and i am working to pay them back for their support one by one. writing is the best payback i can think of.
> 
> note: the song lyrics in the beginning of this are from "holding on to you" by twenty one pilots.

_ fight it, _

_ take the pain, ignite it, _

_ tie a noose around your mind _

_ loose enough to breathe fine and tie it _

_ to a tree; tell it, "you belong to me. _

_ this ain't a noose, this is a leash. _

_ and i have news for you: you must obey me." _

;;

“This movie is terrible,” Jade informs you, taking a handful of popcorn and throwing it at the screen. You aren’t that focused on the movie. You’re more focused on the fact that Nannasprite is baking in the kitchen and making tons of noise and the fact that Davesprite is nowhere to be seen, even though one of his favorite things to do is make fun of shitty movies with Jade. You sigh and lay back, counting the cracks on the ceiling of your makeshift living room. “John? Are you doing okay?” Jade asks. You hear her set the popcorn aside and move over to the sofa you’re on. She lifts your legs, sits beneath them, and puts them on her lap.

She asks you if you’re okay again. You shrug your shoulders. “I guess. I’m just wondering where Davesprite is. He likes to make fun of bad movies, doesn’t he?” You ask, propping yourself up on your elbows. Jade tells you that she asked Davesprite if he wanted to watch the movie with you guys and he said no. You wonder if it’s because you aren’t the right John and she isn’t the right Jade. You wonder if it’s because you guys are not his actual friends. “Does he even like us?”

Jade gasps like you’d said something awful. “Of course he does, John! What would ever make you think that he doesn’t like us?”

You take your legs off of Jade’s lap and stand up, stretching your arms above your head. You have a lot of different replies to her question. Davesprite never eats dinner with you guys; he only ever comes to the table, grabs something, and flies back to his room. He only watches movies with you sometimes, and even then he leaves the room before they’re over. If you guys play games together, he never agrees to play. A lot of the things he does just leave you to question whether or not he likes you. That’s all. “A lot of things.”

;;

Davesprite must be on another one of his streaks. During his streaks, Davesprite stays in his room constantly and won’t come out for anyone or anything. If you go into his room, he tells you to get out. You always try to slide him food under the door when he does this. You aren’t even sure if sprites have to eat or not, because Nannasprite never does, but you want to make sure that he has food anyway. Because he’s on one of his streaks, you try to avoid his room like the plague, but you have a nightmare one night and you don’t like sleeping with Jade because she kicks and barks in her sleep so you end up at his room.

You hold your hand above the door and think about knocking. Should you? Will Davesprite even answer? Will he even care that you had a nightmare? You aren’t his John, so maybe that means he doesn’t like you as much? Maybe you’re overthinking. Yeah, you probably are. You do that a lot. Overthink things. You knock on the door and get a callback of, “Go away!”

You sniffle. You hadn’t really meant to start crying, but the nightmare left you more shaken than any nightmare ever has. It was about your dad dying. It was unpleasant, to say the least. “Davesprite, please let me in. I know you’re in a mood or whatever, but I had a nightmare about my dad dying and sleeping with Jade is hell.” You say. You’re really hoping he answers, because you’re really close to crying and you don’t want to make yourself seem uncool in front of Davesprite. He opens the door after a minute passes.

“I’m not in a mood,” he tells you matter-of-factly, and then he opens the door. You walk into his room and hug your arms to your chest. “Really bad nightmare, huh?”

You say nothing.

Davesprite sighs and flops down onto his bed. You crawl into the spot next to him and do your best not to start crying. He wraps his arms around you and pulls you close enough to him that you can feel the heat radiating off of him. You wonder why sprites are so warm. Maybe it’s because they’re a game construct and not a real human? You wonder if Davesprite has a heartbeat or not. Maybe you should listen for one. “Do you hate me and Jade because we aren’t your John and Jade?” You ask after a minute passes.

“Nah, “ Davesprite responds. “I miss ‘em, though.”

You know he does, because you’ve seen the scrap of your wise guy slime suit that he keeps, the one that looks like it was burnt in a fire. You know that it’s from his John, that it came right from his suit, because you know that his John burnt to death. You also know that he probably likes his John more, or that he probably did, because that was  _ his  _ John and he made all of his best memories with that John and not with you. There are a million things you want to say to Davesprite, but instead you only say, “I know.”

;;

Davesprite stops coming out of his room altogether. You still remember to slip him food under the door, and you wonder if he eats it or not. You wonder why he won’t come out of his room. You wonder if it’s because there’s something wrong with you, or because he doesn’t like Jade, or maybe he doesn’t like Jaspersprite because he’s a cat and Davesprite is a bird. You just wish he’d come out of his room already. It makes you wonder a lot. It makes you wonder if it might be your fault that he stays in his room so often.

Jade makes a comfy pile for you to have feelings jams in and you tell her all of this. She runs her hands through your hair and scratches your scalp with her nails. “I don’t think he hates you or that it’s your fault, John,” she tells you. “I just think that he misses his Jade and John. We can’t be his Jade and John. He isn’t your Dave, is he? You miss your Dave, right?”

You wouldn’t call him your Dave. He isn’t yours. He probably has an alien girlfriend by now, or something like that. He always said he was smooth with the ladies. “I guess so.” You respond, and Jade informs you that she thinks you’re lying to her. You shrug your shoulders and tell her that you don’t know how to sound more honest than you already do. She takes one hand out of your hair and punches you in the arm.

You kind of wish Davesprite were around.

;;

At the one year mark, Davesprite comes out of his room. All he does is say hello to Nannasprite and grab some of her cookies, but you take it as a plus. On the way back to his room, he gives you a small smile, and you muster one to give him back even though you really don’t feel like smiling. You’ve been thinking a lot lately. A lot about everything. Like what are you going to do when you meet up with Alpha Dave? What’s going to happen when Davesprite dies? When the game ends, are you going to see your dad again?

It all makes you very sad.

;;

Davesprite stays in his room for the whole next year, and you come to terms with the fact that you just can’t be happy. You just don’t feel happy. You don’t really care how the game ends. You don’t really care if you die. You aren’t exactly suicidal, you just don’t care about your wellbeing, is all. Jade asks you all of the time how you’re feeling, and you always tell her that you’re feeling fine even though you really aren’t.

You spend the whole year sad.

;;

As the three years come close to ending, Davesprite starts coming out of his room more. Sometimes he lets you come into his room with him. He’s built himself a makeshift nest out of feathers from pillows and different blankets. You think it’s kind of cute. You camp out in his room sometimes, but that still doesn’t make you feel happy. You lay at the end of his bed one night and stare at the ceiling, counting the cracks. “Are you happy?” You ask him. He leans over the edge of the bed so he can see you. It’s dark and your glasses are off, but he’s orange and kind of like a nightlight, so you can still see him.

“Am I happy?” He echoes back. You nod. “Not really. I left my Rose behind, my John died, and my Jade probably died.”

You tell him that you are never happy, and he responds, “Dude, that’s some sad shit.” You nod your head at him and keep counting the cracks in the ceiling. You wouldn’t doubt that there’s more than one hundred up there, but you aren’t sure you can count them all. After a few minutes of silence, you speak up again.

“Do you love me?” You ask, and the silence seems to grow heavy.

Davesprite sighs. “Yes and no. You aren’t my John, and I don’t love you as much as I loved him. But I still love you because you’re still a version of John. You’re your own version of John and you’re just, you’re almost like mine. Almost. So no, I don’t love you. But yes, I do.”

Your head hurts. You kind of want to die. “Okay.”

;;

When the three years ends, you meet up with Alpha Dave. The Dave that is supposed to be yours. You’re still sad, but you don’t tell him that. Instead you greet him like everything is fine, like you feel entirely fine, even though you are dying inside. You ask Dave if he’s dating anyone and he tells you no, so you jump forward and press your mouth to his and he kisses back, even though he seems a little awestruck at first. When you pull away, you sigh. “I’m sad, Dave,” you tell him honestly. “I’ve been sad for two years."

And then you start crying on his shoulder.

He seems kind of shocked at first, but then he starts rubbing your back in slow circles. You wonder where Davesprite is. You wonder if he still loves you but doesn’t. You wonder if the cracks in the roof of his room are still there. You wonder if he still has that scrap of his John’s wise guy slime suit. You wonder if he misses you. You wonder if he’s going to die with the game. You wonder if your dad is going to be living when you finish the game. You wonder if Dave will be able to put you back together because you are falling apart.

“Shh, John, it’s okay,” he says, and you know that he will be able to put you back together.

**Author's Note:**

> i have dealt with depression for many years, and know very much what it is like to not care about your own life. john egbert is my favorite character and sometimes i project my feelings onto him. sue me.
> 
> i hope someone liked this! i worked pretty hard to make it good. to the people who it was for: thank you for your support! i appreciate each one of you!
> 
> to the people it wasn't for: i appreciate you too! never forget that!


End file.
